Sometimes I wake up with my eyes crusty and gooey. I guess I’d been crying in my sleep. That was me this morning.
The other night I dreamed of him. I was in a facility, building of some sort, an apartment building or something in a city. There were lots of friends, people and family. I look out the window and there is a fire at the building next to us with lots of fire trucks underneath, trying to fight it. The other building on the other side is burning too. I’m scared that we’re going to catch fire, and of course, fires make me think of one person. Suddenly I turn and see him, with great surprise I greet him, but he looks so different I don’t even recognize him. He’s skinny, oh so skinny and tired/haggard looking. Even his face is wrong, but I know it’s him. I hug him hard, even though I was afraid of hurting him, and am extremely worried at this point. He tells me that they won’t let him work any more than Sundays as a fireman and when asked why he says it’s because he’s a woman now. That he’s been turned into a woman and he’s at the end of his rope. A surge of resolve flows through me and I tell him that I’m going to help him make it right. We’re going to turn him back into a man so he can live his life again. Now it’s like a video game. He is so happy that I am going to help him, so we open up the map and we fly around until we get to the world I need to get to. The objective is a watery place where we need to find information and I get to a large mushroom that I need to climb because that’s where it is, the answer, when…I wake up. I tried so hard to go back to sleep and finish it, because he was waiting for me dammit! I NEED TO HELP HIM. …But…my brain refused to go back to that dream and I tossed and turned until I got tired of trying to dream.
It was very depressing and disturbing too. Just like in real life, I couldn’t help him even though I promised to, no matter how desperately I wanted it.
Last night was interesting and convoluted. I slept well even though I woke up with tears in my eyes.
There was a part where I was supposed to have been cleaning teeth for some young people but their 5 sisters were making it really hard for me. Still managed to, but overly frustrating and took a long time. Then I was back in my old house, except that I knew it wasn’t our house anymore because it was dark, cold and sterile because my dad has turned it that way. At the table I was entertaining some friends and people I sort of know. My old friend was asking me about curry and where to get some, and I said, well, here in nova it’s easy to find. He said that he doesn’t like the preservatives in them, so I said there are plenty of alternative stores here too. Before he left I went to spice closet (in the laundry room…) to find our curry to show, but I couldn’t find anything. Then the bell rang and it was a package, but I didn’t want to answer the door because it’s my dad’s house and I didn’t want to know what it was in the box. He was busy hiding until he saw it was the mail carrier and went out to get it. Turns out it was something for my mom? Who was also there. Then suddenly I was outside and my old friend was sitting on the grass. I asked him if he could do cartwheels and he said he didn’t want to scare the rodents in the moss. So we both sat down and I felt like I wanted to sit next to him and have him hold me, but then that reminded me of my ex (I guess that’s where I cried) and I realized that I wasn’t ready to start another relationship yet, even though I wanted to. The heart and brain fighting again. So we both sat there as I poked at the moss on the ground and observed as police pulled over a car.